Close in Heart

There was a time when basketball was just about the most important thing in my life. I loved to play. I loved to play but I especially loved to play with the same group of girls I had played with all my life...or at least since I was in 5th grade. I loved that my teammates were most of my best friends in the world. I knew them like sisters. Some of our families went to the lake together in the summers. Our dads went hunting together. I visited their brothers and sisters as babies when they were born. I went to the funerals when their grandparents died.

Outside of game time, we had sleepovers and team meetings/movie nights. We had team camps and summer tournaments and practices and open gyms and fundraisers. I hadn't thought about how much time we spent together growing up in a very long time. I miss playing basketball, but it's not about wanting to relive those old glory days and being all trim and fit again (although trim would be appreciated these days). It is about spending time and keeping up with those people that I worked and sweat and cried and played with all those years ago...and for all of those years.

Atlanta had their big Sesquicentennial celebration over the weekend. They wanted to honor any alumni athletes who have been honored at the state level over the years. At the last minute they asked if we had anything we wanted to share. I could not come up with a summary in that moment for what my athletic career meant or represented to me. I thought about it some over the rest of the weekend. What would I say if I had to say something about that time in my life? What are the most important things that I have taken from the experience?

I came to the very swift conclusion that of all the wonderful trophies and medals and memorabilia that I posses to represent that time, what I treasure the most are those people that I shared it with. My teammates. Our families. Coach Roberts and his family. I have dear friends who were never my teammates, but most of my best friends to this day were there with me every step of the way. I am not talking about friendships from back then where we would plan our hairdo's and wardrobe for big events. I am talking about the people I called when I got engaged. The people I called when I found out I was having a baby. The people I called from my hospital bed to share all the details about the tiny fingers and toes. The people I called when my grandma was diagnosed with cancer. The people I call when I feel inadequate or overwhelmed as a wife, mother, or daughter and need some reassurance or encouragement. The people who call me for a lot of those same reasons. Reaching out to these lifelong friends or having them reach out to me, whether it be joyous or sorrowful, is one of the most wonderful elements of life that make it worth living. My calendar had a quote for the day that said, "True friends stay close in heart even when far away." Yes. There is something about maintaining those lifelong friendships that feels like home. I hope we can manage to keep things this way for many years to come.

back to the basics

I like to listen to Dr. Randy Carlson's Intentional Living series. I am always encouraged and
uplifted as he encourages and uplifts others. This week I was listening as he was asking people to call in and talk about how they have gone back to the basics. It made me want to get back to Kevin and I having regular monthly date nights. We use to do that but I can't remember when it became so sporadic that it was down to two times a year--Valentine's Day and our anniversary. I realize as we add another little person to our family our schedule is only going to be more hectic so I feel like it is important to make it a priority now. There are times when I realize we have not had a conversation lasting longer than 5 minutes in days.

The only intentional commitment I could come up with for myself that would be me getting back to basics was my decision to make cakes instead of picking them up at the grocery store. I am still making cakes. I made this one Sunday for Kevin's birthday. (The cake was much better than the game that day I can assure you!) I am so glad about how proud my kids are about my cakes. Jaron was asking my parents, "Did you like that cake my mom made?" And letting them know he did, too. I do think the people I love feel more loved to have their own homemade cakes.

As I heard the callers reporting that they no longer watch TV, they do the morning devotional as a couple together again, they turn off the ringer on their phone for 2 hours in the evenings...I considered my not watching The Locator (which is an amazing new show reuniting loved ones!), Army Wives, Grey's Anatomy, Jon & Kate Plus 8. I tried to picture Kevin and I taking some time together over coffee (which I am off of until I have this baby and need it desperately again)...at 5 am every morning. My unwillingness to participate in the callers' inspirational back to the basics behaviors left me feeling shallow and inadequate. So I want to ask for input. How are you getting back to the basics? What is something in your life that was important once but has faded into the backdrop today? What are some simple things that we use to do that we are not doing anymore and our lives are less because of it?

before first sight

I had my first 13 week ultrasound on Friday. It went perfectly. Dr. Womak said the baby was gorgeous. I always did think she knew what she was talking about. Madison has been full of questions. Apparently there are many things a 6-year-old needs to know about babies.

"How can the baby breathe in your belly where there is no air?"

"Who decides if it is a boy or a girl?"

"The baby eats everything you eat, right, Mama?"

"Are you sure chocolate is good for your baby?"

"How big can your belly get? I bet I won't be able to get my arms all the way around you when I hug you!"

"Does the baby sleep all the time or something because it's gotta be dark in there?!"

"When you are not feeding it like the kittens and puppies eat can I be the one to give the baby a bottle?"

I can provide an illustration of the difference between my daughter and son. Jaron has had only one thing he needed to know. "How did that baby get in your belly, Mom? Did you eat it or did you drink it? You really aren't supposed to do that, Mom!"

I knew they would be excited at the news, but what I really love is how much they already love their baby brother or sister. A mother can't help but love their baby before first sight. My heart warms when others share that feeling with me. Especially when I loved those others before first sight, too. Madison has offered to put the crib in her room so she can wake up and change the baby at night and I can sleep. Last night Jaron said he would share his tractor with the baby. It is one of those battery powered riding tractors. He said the baby could ride it with him. That idea is very sweet as it is one of his most prized possessions. However, I will probably have crazy dreams now about him tearing across the yard with the newborn baby in the wagon bouncing along behind him. Time seems to be going quickly and I can't help but wonder if I will have everything ready in time. We only have 3 bedrooms so I will be doing some rearranging and purging to make room. I made a list of everything I would like to get done before this baby is born. It is a long list. This time part of me knows everything does not have to be perfect. As long as we have some diapers, wipes, onesies, blankets, and a place for the baby to sleep, things will be fine. We will have everything we need.

tourists

We had our last little day trip of the summer last weekend with my mom. We went to Bethel. Many of my people come from Bethel. Well, my Dad's people. My dad was a North Shelby kid until the end of his freshman year. We have had some family reunions at the Bethel school. My parents and Vanita lived in Bethel for 3 days. Mom could not get comfortable in the old colony house. It was straight up and down and 4 rooms (living room and kitchen below, bedrooms above) and creeeeeeepy. It spooked her too much to stay. Dad was fine with it. They bought the house in Atlanta soon after. I was inches from being a Raider (which is not nearly as prestigious as growing up as a HORNET, of course)!

I read this trilogy of books by Jane Kirkpatrick called the "Kinship and Courage Series" and I loved it! It was based on a group of women headed out west via wagon train. Many of the women did not want to go, but their husbands did. You know, the whole "wherever thou goest and lodgest" thing...and the husbands did not ask their opinions! They were remarkable and inspirational women. As I was saying, I loved the books and when looking for more of her writing I stumbled upon her series of books called the "Change and Cherish Historical Series" which started in Bethel, Missouri and was based on the colony that originated there. I had heard bits and pieces of the colony so my fingers could not fly fast enough to get the books ordered off of ebay. I read the books and my mom read the books and we decided we wanted to tour the colony homes if we got the chance. We got the chance. It was the neatest thing. It was strange to be walking in some of the exact same places those characters (who were actual people) walked and worked and ate and danced...and died. The leader of the colony had a grand three story house and it was even bigger than I had pictured it. All of the colony houses had the same plan as my parents' brief home. The bottom floor held the kitchen and a bedroom and the top was two more bedrooms. They said the parents and babies had the downstairs bedroom. One upstairs bedroom was for the older boys, and one was for the older girls. How can I ever complain again about the trials of cooking every day with my electric range and oven when they were cooking over open fires in the kitchens? That would be a little warm in August! There were only three ovens in town so the women got together to do the baked goods for everyone and then they shared them. When you think it over many things would have been so difficult but they got to get together all the time. They had many women to look to for guidance and support when things were rough and think of how close the community would be. I heard someone in the news talking about an author that believed the reason divorce is so common today is that people are having such a difficult time doing things on their own and the support network that communities have always had is dwindling away. I had never really thought about that.

(This is where they cooked at the leader's big house.)

The kids were far more impressed with watching the people at the festival make the sheep be naked but I enjoyed the tour. I enjoyed seeing two of my Great Uncles. I enjoyed being a tourist. It made me want to read more on the history of the Midwest and find more places to visit. I am sure Mom would be on board too. So would Madison and Jaron...as long as we could find a way to incorporate animals and ice cream!

touristsJaron with the colony church's bellMadison's favorite thing of the day

and they were beautiful

I became an aunt again on Monday. Kevin's sister, Lachelle, provided me with my newest little nephew, Brody Michael Hatcher. He joins Lane, who is almost 12, Molly, 10, Tucker, almost 6, and Keaton, 2. Molly sure wanted a sister but she has decided to keep him anyway. I watched him be born. I was in the delivery room with all of the kids but Lane. I have seen their first little expressions. She could not have an epidural with Molly, Tucker, or Keaton. She had very little in the way of drugs. She was elated to learn she could have an epidural with Brody. The difference was astounding. She was hanging out eating popsicles and laughing during the most intense parts of her labor. Laughing. It was so much more relaxed and fun. I was also in with Vanita when she had Lance with very little drugs. I also saw his first little expression. I have decided I am a big fan of the drugs. I do not have the words to articulate the exquisite feeling that comes from watching an actual person, that you love immeasurably before you have even met them, taking their first breath. And listening to them crying their first cry. I was thinking...that makes one little niece and four little nephews that I have watched be born and 5 little first expressions I have seen. Most of them looked mad, but they were beautiful. I did not get to see my own children's first expressions. That is the problem with the big sheet they hang in front of you for C-sections. Oh, well. The outcome is so worth it. I will never forget the intense happiness and relief I felt from hearing my own babies cry that first cry. I got to hear that. Not all moms do. And the first time I laid eyes on my babies they were all cleaned up and bundled in their little hats and wrapped so tightly in their little blankets they looked like little burritos with only their faces peeking out. And they were beautiful. I am so grateful and excited to be going through this whole experience again. The experience of growing a person. Watching Brody be born was such a vivid reminder of what is to come in March.

I wrote that

So, remember how Serenity inspired me to write a poem? And I quote, "Life is too short to criticize and complain." I wrote that. I meant it when I wrote it. I still mean it, but today has been one of those days when my complaints are screaming in my head and all the blessings that I know are very present and appreciated in my life seem to be whispering.

I found out this morning that the babysitter I have been planning on for my baby will not be able to babysit for me after all. I called her before I told the grandparents! She has a mom who already brings a child to her that is expecting again so her opening for next fall will by taken. I have already been praying and I know God will provide for my family but I am a planner. I like to know the plan. It's OK if that plan is months or even years away, but I like to know. I know I still have a lot of time and I know this is not a tragedy. I know.

There have been changes at the preschool where Madison and Jaron have attended over the past few years. The director is on bed rest and there have been situations with the part-time fill-in people that I was just not comfortable with...but I thought I was grouchy and hormonal. Yesterday, Jaron cried and did not want to stay. I thought he was tired from the weekend. He did it again today. This picture is him with his award from the May program for being the class entertainer. He has never cried to be left there before. I am probably not going to be taking him back. I have never understood those people on the news who find their abducted children and say, "I always did have a bad feeling about that person." I thought what kind of mother sends their child into a situation where there is a bad feeling? I cannot be one of those mothers. It was all I could do to drive away from him today when he was upset. I do not think I can do it again.

.

I was on my way back to work at lunchtime today from looking at an alternative preschool when my cell phone rang. I am seriously not making this stuff up. It was Madison's school nurse. She got sick and threw up today at school. Obviously she needed to be picked up. So who had the big idea to change the definition of a woman? Who had the big idea that women should have careers outside the home? I read that not only is a woman's work never done but the definition keeps changing. Isn't that the truth? Why did we decide we want to earn money and have our say and our equality? Why didn't we just leave the careers to the men and stay home with our babies?

Um...okay. Just so you know, in the future I will do my best to refrain from blogging when I know I am a hormonal hurricane. I love my job in cardiac rehab and it is more flexible than most of my friends' jobs. I love helping people feel better. I love having a career and a family and I really do know the answers to most of the questions I rambled on about before. Life is too short to criticize and complain. I know that. I wrote that.

First Day of First Grade

How can my daughter possibly be in first grade? I think when I have a baby I am comforted by their baby status. I know where they are and can protect them almost all the time. They are in their crib or bouncy seat or high chair and mostly staying put. The baby to toddler transition poses some challenges but is generally a smooth transition for me. I thought, for the most part, preschool was this small, safe place for the kids to go. Preschool kids are still small and doing crazy finger paintings and unidentifiable crafts. I cried the first time Madison got on the school bus in Kindergarten. It just seemed like such a big ride for such a little girl. But even in Kindergarten I considered Madison to be a little kid. That first "practice" year of school was attended by my little girl.

Here we are going to first grade. I'm afraid my denial has to end here. I have heard it a million times but I am going to say it anyway. She is growing faster than I ever could have imagined. She is becoming a big kid. She asked me recently if she was a young adult yet. She is starting to have definite opinions on the clothes she likes and doesn't like. She is starting to get embarrassed when I tell stories about her. She is watching iCarly instead of Dora. She has moved into the next level of shoe sizes, holding her own at a size 1. It is truly unbelievable. I am telling you it happened overnight.

Jaron cried when we left his sister at school this year. He wanted to stay, too. He even told me he thinks maybe he already had his Spiderman cake (which is what he is already planning for next year) so maybe he is already 5. I don't know if I will be ready next year when I will watch them both get on the big bus together. I will savor this last year of preschool for him, even though he will just be annoyed he can't go to big school and be 5.

You know, it was no surprise turning 30. It does not make me feel any different than I did when I was 25. What shocks me is taking my daughter to her first day of first grade. I hope I am ready. I hope I do a great job keeping up with that backpack. Initials. Signatures. Book reports. Yes, book reports. I hope I never convince myself I'm too tired to read that one more book at bedtime. I hope I am a good mom for a big kid. We have a lot to learn.