Anxiety

I think I was like the majority of mothers-to-be when I first started wanting to have children. I thought about those soft baby cheeks on my shoulder and against my neck as I rocked the baby to sleep. I thought about the tiny fist holding on to my finger and that smell. The baby soap and baby lotion and Dreft detergent all blended together in one bundle of baby goodness. I thought about soft blankets and bumper pads and crib ruffles. I thought about endless hours with my glider and ottoman and sweet baby. That is what first-time mothers think about when they consider having children. It did not occur to me to think about the labor and delivery part of becoming a mother until close to the end of pregnancy. I did not ask myself what I was thinking marrying a man who is 6 feet and 4 inches tall, who was much larger than me at birth, until I was about 38 weeks along. The possibility of many treacherous hours of labor followed by an emergent c-section honestly did not occur to me as a possibility until it happened. Of course Madison was worth it! We both came through it fine which is all you can really ask for. And all those other plans I had about the rocking and the tiny fist and the baby goodness...they all happened too.

The second time I had many of the same warm and fuzzy feelings for my unborn baby as I did the first time. And I knew those smells and sweet moments would be a reality. Some of my anxiety at that time was centered around caring for a newborn and a barely 2-year-old. Was I a good enough mother to devote enough care, love, and attention to two small children? I did give more thought to the surgery process as well. As I transitioned through that last stretch (and stretch mark) of pregnancy, I started getting nervous about c-section #2. My first surgery was frightening in many ways for both Kevin and I, so I could not help but be weary of going back to the operating room. The planned c-section was so much more calm than the first one. There was a vast difference in the amount of pain involved. Kevin said to me right after Jaron was born, "If Madison had been like this, we could have 2 or 3 more!" I am not sure who is involved in this "we" he was referring to, but the experience was so much more positive that I was confident I would do it again.

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So here I am with only two weeks until I get to meet my sweet baby #3. It has been well over 4 and 6 years since I have been on an operating table. All this time I have been having those sweet daydreams. I have ruffled bedding. I have adorable pink things on hangers and in drawers. I have some of the softest and sweetest little blankets I have ever seen. I have my glider and ottoman in position and I have diapers that fit in the palm of my hand. The closer I get I can't help but think a little bit about the not so pleasant discomforts that come with breastfeeding and recovering from surgery. I think about it, but I am not worried about it. Knowing the things a third-time mom knows, I can honestly say that I have not been worried this time about the surgery. I know about the beauty of drug induced sleep that will get me through the first couple days. I know what to expect and feel ready. My anxiety this time is not about the physical side of having another baby. This time I keep thinking about my ability to be a good mom to three kids. It seems like I have been slowing down more every day and barely have the energy to keep up right now. Can I really devote all the attention a baby needs to this baby without neglecting the older two? Will I do a good enough job showing all of my children how much I love them and how important they are to me every day? And will my husband and I remember each other once we are outnumbered by our kids? These are the questions I ask myself as my last-minute anxieties start to creep up on me in my last weeks of pregnancy.

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Madison and Jaron are beyond excited right now. They tell me all about their plans to help me by bringing diapers and helping with bath time and they have learned what the buttons do on the bouncy seat and swing and they are ready to be amazing to their baby sister. I feel so blessed by the way they are already devoted to caring for and protecting her. I just pray that I will be successful in finding the right balance for my growing family. I think all of my kids are pretty special and I want to be the mom they need and deserve.