Heavy

My heart is heavy this week as I consider some optimistic misconceptions I have had over the years. I use to think that eventually the world would make perfect sense to me, and I would know the answers to every question, just like my mom always did. I guess I always thought that if there was a couple who wanted children, and they would be awesome parents, that they would be able to have a whole houseful. Or at least one sweet baby to cherish. I think in the back of my mind somewhere I always assumed that if there was a mom who did not want a child, or found she was unable to care for that child, that she would give it up for adoption, so the child could grow and prosper regardless of her mother's capabilities. I never thought a mother could be involved in the death and disposal of her own daughter...because we all know whether she did it or not (and I think she did), she knows who did it and did nothing. I can only imagine what kind of horrors could bring a woman to that place, where she could be that girl.

I think I always assumed that if there was a good mom, whose child was the light of her life, that she would have the opportunity to raise that child. That she would guide him through each milestone, and laugh along with his triumphs and cry along with his struggles, and help him become the person he was meant to be. The truth is, the world makes little sense to me much of the time. There are answers I don't have. Wonderful couples never realize their dream of parenthood. Mothers murder their own precious babies. And moms are taken from their small children in the blink of an eye. I am helpless to change any of it. And my heart is heavy.